About Coach Jack e-mail
Jack and Toshie Ito

Books and Help from Coach Jack Ito PhD

Dr. Jack Ito's Book

What to Do When He Won't Change

connecting through yes book

Connecting Through “Yes!”

 

build love with communication

Building Love through Better Communication: 5 Free Lessons for Women

 

communication e-book

Back in the Picture: The Man's Guide to Better Communication in Marriage and Committed Relationships

Advice and Answers for Single Men Who Want to Have Better Relationships

Your knowlege about these answers will make the difference between your being successful in a relationship and wishing you had never heard of women.

 

Questions from Single Men

 

Are relationships really all that hard or do people just say they are?

That's kind of like asking if forest fires are caused by arson or by lightening strikes. The fact is that having a great relationship is hard because it takes focused time and effort to build. It also hard to have a bad relationship because the people in them often wish they were not. The easiest kind of relationship to have is an average one. Unfortunately, the average single relationship usually lasts no more than a few months and the average married relationship no longer than 7 years. It seems that no matter what kind of relationship you want to have, there is going to be a level of difficulty. The question is, do you want the difficulty to be the emotional difficulty of a bad relationship, or the difficulty of learning the skills to have good relationship? This is not a no-brainer. Given the choice, most people choose to have short term ease even at the cost of a long term relationship. Those who are motivated to excel, on the other hand, are willing to make short term sacrifices to comfort in order to have a greater long term gain. This is true in relationships as well as in finances.

I think people have relationship problems because they are messed up.

I would agree with you. But it's not just relationship problems. People who are messed up have problems with all sorts of things. No one can be blamed for being messed up in the first place because it is always someone or something that has messed them up. But, there are stages of growth in life, even for people who are messed up (have long term problems). The first stage could be considered to be when they are messed up and don't know about it. These people are really stuck. Because they don't know they are messed up, they make no efforts to change and continue to blame others. The second stage of growth for a person with long term problems is recognition that one's owns thoughts and behaviors are causing self-harm and harm to others. The individual stops blaming others, but has no better of a situation because their thoughts and behaviors continue to perpetuate their relationship problems. The third stage of growth is help seeking behaviors. Change cannot come entirely from within the person because they lack sufficient emotional and skills resources to overcome their strongly acquired habits. Sources of outside help could be spiritual, psychological, informational, supportive, etc. The fourth stage of growth is the application of new skills to initiate growth. Here too, support is essential to help prevent relapse into old patterns. The fifth stage is maintaining new patterns of thinking and behavior long enough to create new and healthy habits that are more rewarding than the old habits. The sixth stage is the seeking of excellence in one's relationships. There are few models of this in our environment so that a person must be able to work with an internal vision of what they want to create.

I keep hearing that men just want sex, Do you think that is true?

It is true that most men enjoy a healthy sex drive from the emergence of adolescence, but it is far from true that men are only interested in sex. This is a stereotype which also includes an underlying message that it is bad for men to be interested in sex. Of course a man who does not have any sexual relationship is going to desire sex more than a man who has regular sex. Sex only relationships do not last long for either men or women. If a man has a partner who is constantly sexually available, but provides no other relational value, the relationship soon becomes dissatisfying. If men only wanted sex, this would not be the case. Men also have the ability to become very emotionally attached to their partner and may suffer from a breakup long after their girlfriend has forgotten them, even if they have found a new partner and are sexually active. Do not feel bad about your desire for sex and don't start believing the stereotypes. Such beliefs are counterproductive to a good relationship. Women are also interested in sex. The keywords for a great relationship are balance and mutual goals.

How can I find a great woman?

The perfect woman for you might be right next door or on the other side of the world. If you don't know what you want from life, then you are also not going to be able to recognize a great woman when you see her. Men need to have plans and ambitions for their life. Women are also attracted to such men. When your ambition is simply to get a woman, that does not distinguish you from any other guy. So, step one is have a plan for your life. Step two is to have some criteria for women that would be a good fit with your life ambitions. These criteria will help her with her life as much as they help you with yours. It is not bad to have such criteria. It is the mark of a successful man. Step three involves becoming the kind of man who would be attractive to women with your criteria. This often involves working on your life goals as well as improving your social skills. Step four is to become curious about women. What they think and why they have made the choices that they have (for example, why did a woman choose her particular career?). Not only will women perceive you as different from other men, but your life goals will also be appealing to the right woman when you find her. Step five includes creating as many opportunities as possible to meet such appealing women. This approach to finding a great woman has the advantages that you get your life in order, you find meaning in something that is important to you, you don't become emotionally dependent on a woman, you are able to be open and honest with women, you will be naturally attractive to the right woman, and you will also be helping that woman to find her dream partner. Very few men do this. But if you do this, then you can be a winner. Get yourself a good relationship coach or life coach to start the process going well.

 

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