About Coach Jack e-mail
Jack and Toshie Ito

Books and Help from Coach Jack Ito PhD

Dr. Jack Ito's Book

What to Do When He Won't Change

connecting through yes book

Connecting Through “Yes!”


build love with communication

Building Love through Better Communication: 5 Free Lessons for Women


communication e-book

Back in the Picture: The Man's Guide to Better Communication in Marriage and Committed Relationships

Relationship Coaching Solutions to Marriage and Relationship Problems

These four areas are the key to getting more love in your marriage and relationships.


relationship coaching quadrants


  1. Boundaries--Boundaries are ways that you and your partner protect the relationship by deciding, in advance, what is acceptable. Boundaries have "built-in" plans of action for getting back on track. .
    • The benefit of good boundaries is damage control. Good boundaries are the "brakes" that stop relationships from becoming worse.
    • Boundaries are the first step for problems like jealousy, selfishness, infidelity, emotional abuse, and avoidance
  2. Respect--Respect is all about valuing and being valued by your partner, The way you respond both verbally and nonverbally to what your partner says and does will either get you more respect or lose more respect. Losing your temper, becoming fearful, and refusing to talk are all ways that can lose respect.
    • The benefits of respect are acceptance and listening, Respect helps people to stop being self-focused and to work on the relationship.
    • Respect is required for ending conflicts of all kinds
  3. Communication--Good communication means being able to really open up to your partner without feeling cut-off or judged. It also means listening to your partner in a way which helps him or her feel accepted and want to open up more, even when you are in disagreement about an important issue.
    • The benefit of good communication is the ability to share more.
    • Good communication is required for intimacy and for problem solving.
  4. Cooperation--Cooperation means working together, both on common future goals (e.g. marriage, children, careers, etc.), as well as helping each other with personal dreams and desires. Your partner wants to feel like you are in his or her corner and will help him or her to get the best that life has to offer. You naturally want the same. It is a caring which goes beyond obligation and creates a deeper bond between partners.
    • The benefit of cooperation is long term satisfaction with the relationship.
    • Cooperation is required for feeling like partners, to feel like the relationship is meaningful, and for continued growth of each person. Without cooperation, people eventually will end their relationship to seek personal growth..

Love--Love is lost as each of these areas is compromised. Conversely, love grows as each of these areas is restored. The amount of love we give, receive, and feel is impacted by each of these four areas. Even when people no longer feel love, they can bring it back by working on these four areas. People who are in coaching learn what they can do today, so that things start to get better tomorrow.

Problem relationships usually have difficulty in one or more of these areas. As each area fails, couples become closer to ending their relationship. When all four are gone, people become emotionally and financially prepared to leave the relationship. Restoring them restores the relationship and recreates all the wonderful emotions that go along with a good relationship.

Do you have all four areas, vital to a close relationship?

A healthy relationship will have an abundance of boundaries, respect, communication and cooperation. Most of my clients have difficulty in all four of these areas when they first begin relationship coaching. Their partners are angry, selfish, avoid them, or are silently pulling away from the relationship. Knowing how to respond to these behaviors in a way that builds the relationship can be really hard to figure out. I help men and women to stop reacting and instead put good boundaries into place, so they can start to build their partner's respect and be taken seriously. As a result, their partners listen a lot better and get more honest (rather than just arguing). Having done this, they both feel better and are on the way to a better relationship.

relationship coaching pyramidAn easy way to know where the difficulty is in your relationship is to look one level lower than where you are experiencing problems.

Relationships are solid and secure the way that a tall building is solid and secure. That is, each floor is supported by the floor that is underneath it. If you are not able to cooperate with your partner, then the problem lies with the communication and that is where the work needs to be done. If the difficulties are with communication, then the problem lies with respect. Without respect, good communication cannot happen, no matter what communication technique you try to use. If the respect isn't there, then it's because the boundaries aren't there. Boundaries are the rock bottom level of every relationship and ideally are in place from the very first date we have with a person. Boundaries work to protect each partner and to create an environment where love can flourish.

Although these principles are not hard to understand, they are ignored by most of the people who work on relationships.

And that is the reason that many people do not experience success with marriage or relationship counseling and when trying to work on their own. They have communication problems, so they practice communication techniques and read books on better communication. When they do the work, however, their results are very short lived and they quickly fall back into the problems they had before. They become discouraged and assume that their relationship difficulties are beyond help. They may wait for awhile, and then try the same thing again. It's easy to see how people can get to feeling hopeless that way. It's not that what they were doing was wrong, it's just that the foundation for that level of change wasn't yet in place. Sometimes, we need to take a step backwards before we can move forward again.

I want you to have a better relationship.

I have been doing this a long time and have been able to help very many wonderful people. I cherish every client I have worked with. People come to me when their problems are really difficult because they always walk away from their session with something positive to do. Some people coach with me for just one session and some people have many. The important thing is getting what you need for your relationship. So, I offer both individual sessions and discount, multiple session, packages. Make the choice which is best for your relationship.

Thank you for coming to my site. I have a deep respect for anyone, who although frustrated or hurt, has enough love to be the one to rebuild their relationship.


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